Larry Zergman to his Girlfriend, July 12, 1999

Honestly, though, if you looked like Jennifer Aniston, this whole mess probably could have been avoided

Dear Lisa,

We would like to thank you for your last three years of service in the role of “Larry’s Girlfriend.” However, due to budget cuts and fears of an economic slowdown, we have been forced to make some tough decisions. And so, it is with a heavy heart that I must inform you that your position has been terminated, effective immediately.

Your quality of work has always been very high, especially in the bedroom department, which everyone here really does appreciate. Your roast chicken dinner, though completely dry and without merit as food, was always a nice gesture. Your feigned enthusiasm for sports was welcome, though we would be lying if we said we weren’t looking for someone with more to offer in that department.

Basically, though, with an exciting crop of new potential hires coming out of college, we felt your service was too expensive for what was provided. And while we won’t say it’s because your left breast has started sagging, it’s that sort of shoddy work, coupled with your repeated unwillingness to get surgery (even with some financial support from us), that forced us to consider your options. Still, it has truly been a pleasure working with you, and I would be happy to be a reference or provide a recommendation in the next phase of your career.

All the best,

Larry Zergman

Chairman and CEO, Larry’s Love Life


Larry’s Love Life is a publicly traded company operated by Larry Zergman. Among other things, Larry’s Love Life provides companionship, romance, and sexual operations for Larry Zergman, a 34-year-old entrepreneur from Chicago.

It should not be confused with Zergman’s other major enterprise, We’re Not Listening, a company that has sold dozens of noise-cancelling headphones to a shop in Chinatown.

Despite an economic downturn that left many unemployed, the position of Larry’s Girlfriend has been unfilled for months.


1 Comment

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One response to “Larry Zergman to his Girlfriend, July 12, 1999

  1. Marianne

    Sounds like the pitch for a Judd apatow movie

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