Mitt Romney to Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, and Ron Paul, March 27, 2012

I'm embarrassed I put so much money on the girl one winning.

Hey Guys,

How’s it going? I just wanted to say, I’m impressed. When we made a secret agreement six months ago that whichever one of you stayed in the race the longest would get to be my Vice Presidential candidate, I didn’t think it would take this long to declare a winner!

Actually, I thought it would definitely be Rick. But Newt, Ron, you guys have some serious cajones. And don’t forget: what I’m looking for in a VP is tenacity, stubbornness, and being completely out of touch with reality.

Ron, you obviously have those qualities, especially in the way just about all of your actions have nothing to do with what’s happening in the real world. Newt, it’s amazing to me that despite the fact that everyone in the country despises you, you have convinced people you still think you could win this race. And Rick, you old bastard. You really want that #2 job, don’t you? Winning Louisiana was a neat trick–definitely made it seem like there was any reason at all you should still be in this race.

You guys are amazing–let’s drag this on as long as possible, and I’ll throw in some nice Cubans for the runner-up!

Best,

Mitt

Analysis:

Poor Mitt Romney. At this point in the race, despite spending an estimated $45 Trillion on the nomination fight, he is still stuck trying to convince people he’s better than a guy who doesn’t let his kids watch the Flintstones because of Fred and Barney’s relationship. Now, he’s reduced to a sad bit of reverse psychology in trying to get this thing wrapped up. Obviously, Romney never promised the vice-presidency to anyone, as his programming can’t comprehend sticking to any one position for that long.

More importantly, none of his chief rivals would make a good vice-presidential candidate. Obviously, Romney would like to shore up his conservative credentials, but he also needs to fill the equally important qualification of “not picking another cranky old white guy.” For this reason, most analysts believe he will need to pick someone not currently alive. Some party insiders have been calling for the corpse of Ronald Reagan, but many commentators feel a dead body from the 80s would overshadow Romney in the charisma department. Unfortunately, “being less charismatic than Mitt Romney” is a qualification that rules out nearly everyone, leaving really only a pile of wet grass clipping and Mitch Daniels.

Rick Santorum, of course, would be thrilled to be the Vice-President, if only because he doesn’t know what a Vice-President does and thinks the job has something to do with policing other people’s vices.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s