We hope you enjoyed your meal! Please deposit the appropriate trash or recyclable items in the marked container:
– Paper goods (napkins, receipts, 75% post-consumer recycled containers, paper cups, paper cup sleeves) should be placed in the blue bin for recycling.
– Vegetable matter (leftover salad, soup, or vegetable or fruit peels or cores) should be placed in the red bin for composting.
– Plastic (disposable cutlery, lids, packaging) should be placed in the yellow bin so it can be melted down and made into dolls for children in Liberia.
– Receipts should be placed in the purple bins so they can woven together into housemats that can be purchased in our housewares department.
– Beans (pinto, black, chick peas, lentils) should be placed in the pink bin so the protein can be extracted for use in our small-batch coffee roasting process.
– Individual cous-cous grains should be placed in the orange bin so they can be dried and used as stuffing for Whole Foods organic dog beds.
– Empty chip bags should be rinsed with soap and warm water, folded over at the edges and worn as jaunty hats.
Thank you for helping us make a better planet!
-Your Whole Foods Team
Believe it or not, recycling has been around for a long time. In fact, at one point in human history, recycling used products was viewed as a necessary way to maximize resources rather than a way to feel better about driving an SUV or to use in advertising aimed at suburban moms. Still, now that Recycling(TM) is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Whole Foods, Inc, it’s worth taking a look at how this massive chain retailer, owned by a Randian Objectivist, has gotten so good at getting hippies to do what they’re told.
The letter to patrons above was actually designed in Whole Foods’ behavioral research lab, run by Rudolph “Rudy” Geschweiter, who probably isn’t the son of an escaped SS captain. Rudy shrewdly realized that most hippies aren’t interested in saving the planet unless someone is watching them do it. He designed a recycling system that would maximize the amount of time spent recycling, thereby maximizing the chances that other people would see the target hippie as a conscientious member of the planet. Upon implementing the recycling plan, patronage of Whole Foods shot up 21%, while the number of people rating the store as “totally groovy” on a scale from 1-10 increased by over 200%.
Obviously, Whole Foods does not recycle precisely according to the letter. Most recycling from Whole Foods is shipped across the country on massive 18-wheelers to Texas, where it is mixed with a special ingredient and refashioned as Ron Paul memorabilia.