Dear Yokels, Elderly Racists and Super-Christians,
OK, you’ve had your fun. This little game you’ve been playing by “voting” for candidates that aren’t Mitt Romney has been adorable. Seriously, it’s really cute that you think you have some sort of say over this allegedly “electoral” process. All the polling showing Herman Cain and Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich leading, all the states where Mitt Romney keeps inexplicably losing to Rick Santorum, it’s all been really entertaining, in the same way that listening to Rush Limbaugh in someone else’s car is entertaining. But the bus stops here.
We want Mitt Romney to be the nominee, and by George, you’re going to have him as the nominee. I mean, look at him! He has great hair, a strong jawline, and just believes everything I tell him about business. He is literally the perfect candidate. And yet you people, exercising your “democracies” or whatever (seriously, the word sounds like Democrat. Isn’t that enough to scare you off?), have decided that no, we’re all going to have to listen to Rick Santorum, that mammoth toolbox, witter on about contraception and porn and basically everything we try to tell you only counts in MIDTERM elections. I hope you’re proud of yourselves.
So cut it out. Stop voting for people we don’t want you to vote for. I swear to God, if you crackers don’t give this thing to Romney right now, we’re giving you Mitch Daniels next time. And trust me, you don’t want that.
Roger Ailes, Reichscommandant, Fox News
Roger Ailes, president of the Fox News Channel, is well known for employing the use of the “open letter” addressed to his viewers. These letters are not written down or mailed out. Nor are they printed in a public newspaper. Instead they are simply spoken, by Roger Ailes, out his bedroom window into the wind.
Ailes believes the messages he wants to send will reach people’s minds and hearts, mostly because he keeps a group of horse-mounted message-deliverers just outside his bedroom.
Before he wrote this open letter, which had no effect on anyone who heard it read in a town square because they were all Gingrich-supporting nutcases to start with, Ailes wrote an open letter to his graying happy trail, which was well-received if ineffective. He also wrote an open letter to the people who take more napkins than they need at Burger King, an open letter to people on bicycles, and an open letter to “those Swedish motherfuckers at IKEA.”