Rick Santorum to Karen Santorum, January 1, 2012

#8) Spend more time just fucking around with everything Americans hold dear.

Hi Sweetie,

Okay, so we promised we’d do New Year’s resolutions this year, and here are mine. I think if you see them then I’ll feel more accountable and actually follow through! (But we’ll see how I feel in February!)

1) Curse less about black people. You might have to start washing my mouth out with soap!

2) Regularly exercise my right to say offensive things about gay people. I have to stay in shape if I’m going to be President.

3) Spend more time with you getting worked up into a terrifying anti-abortion frenzy. We don’t do this enough.

4) Read at least one book a month that supports creationism. The Bible counts.

5) Be a better provider by consulting for companies I once fought for in the Senate–even though that’s ethically dubious!

6) Don’t tell the kids about this one, but I want to make love to my wife more often without the use of contraceptives.

7) Finally deal with that persistent toenail fungus. Ew.

Here’s to an amazing 2012, with even more Santorum than 2011!

Love,

Ricky

p.s. Oh yeah and become President!

Analysis:

This letter was apparently obtained by a Newt Gingrich staffer, who was able to swipe it out of one of the Santorum children’s bookbags during recess. Gingrich, who has recently declared he will “run a positive campaign, as in ‘I’m positive everyone I’m running against should be shot and killed,'” immediately leaked the letter to us. At first, we just assumed Newt was sending us his New Year’s resolutions, one “historian” to another (he did try to charge us a $4,000 consulting fee). It’s an easy mistake to make, as every single resolution with the possible exception of #6 could be straight from Newt’s mouth. Maybe his list is just more verbose (“Curse less about black people. Curse more about how they’re all lazy food stamp addicts who don’t contribute anything to my campaign. I mean society.”)

Still, with Santoru-mentum sweeping across New Hampshire (recent polls have Santorum surging up to 11%! That could translate to a distant 4th!), a leak like this can really derail a campaign. Immediately, Ron Paul chastised Santorum for his “big-government, big-spending” resolutions, and released his own resolutions (“#6: Before breakfast every morning, slash breakfast budget. Eliminate Department of Breakfast by May.”). Mitt Romney, never one to be accused of being bold and principled, also released his one resolution (“Be more conservative, except for sometimes, or most times, or not, depending on who I’m speaking to. Obama is a socialist. Anyone buying any of this yet?”). Our own Gary Johnson has also sent us his resolutions (“#4: Use less laundry detergent”). We shall know by tonight what impact this will have on the New Hampshire Primary. Tomorrow, though, the candidates will move on to South Carolina, where being anti-gay and racist is still OK for Republicans, so we’ll all be on firmer ground.

Sadly, Rick Perry tried to send us some resolutions, but his Speak ‘n Spell has no internet access.

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