Karen Santorum to her Aunt Ethel, January 4, 2011

You can bet that was the last Christmas card you'll ever get.

Dear Ethel,

I’m not going to beat around the bush. One of Rick’s aides told me that Sally Claymore’s niece told Lew Rockford’s son’s barber that you and Uncle Harry and the kids voted for Romney last night. We lost by 8 freaking votes. Are you kidding me? Did you somehow stop being “social conservatives with a little populist streak” all of a sudden, Aunt Ethel?

I hope this isn’t about that vase Rick broke that Thanksgiving. I told you he was not drunk, he just tripped on the rug. I know it was worth “at least 100 smackers.” I really wish you would have just let us pay for it rather than hold it over our heads for 7 years. Or maybe it was about that Fourth of July Picnic when Rick ate the last of the potato salad. I fail to see how these are somehow worse than Mitt Romney’s economic plan.

Finally, Rick said he was sorry for the time he said your dress was “matronly.” You know he didn’t mean anything by it. But I suppose suggesting that a 68 year-old woman looks like a 68 year-old woman is apparently more of a big deal than the fact that Mitt Romney will bring Massachusetts to the rest of us here in America. It will be nothing but gays and abortions and Tom Brady’s beautifully-chiseled chin all over the country, just because you and your fat daughter can’t accept that you look like nuns. I hope you’re proud of yourself.

And don’t even tell me Uncle Harry googled him. I know you two don’t know how to use the internet.

-Karen

Analysis:

When this letter was leaked to the press on January 4, 2011, by a Bachmann aide determined to go out making a mockery of the electoral process, the response from the Santorum campaign was typical: object to contraception and say something gratuitously racist. This “apology” resonated with the Santorum base, who immediately began flinging kittens over the side of the highway per Santorum’s most recent arbitrarily destructive comment.

The letter was written on a 5 by 7 sheet of notepad paper with the inscription “God Bless This Mess” on the top and an image of an angel spilling a cup of coffee. Ms. Santorum favors such paper for important correspondence, while writing household lists and little notes to herself on the back of the Santorum family’s housekeeper, Dora, whom Ms. Santorum says “is such a pet.”

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