Gary Johnson to Iowa Voters, January 3, 2012

Hmm...is that me? I'm not 100% sure what I look like.

Dear Voters:

You may have forgotten who I am, but I am actually running for President this year! Yes, I’ve dropped out of the GOP for the time being, and I’m running as a Libertarian now, but it’s never too late to “write-in” a vote for me, Gary Johnson.

You’re probably fed up with Romney’s flip-flopping (plus he’s half-lizard), Perry’s scuzzy evangelism, and Gingrich’s lack of appeal to Democrats (also he eats human baby feet when he can’t sleep). But what do you hate about me? You probably can’t name a single fact about me, good or bad!

You probably don’t even know that I’m a moderate conservative with broad appeal on both sides of the aisle, a sensible approach to job-building, and a commitment to a balanced budget. Is that true about me? Even I don’t know! That’s how much of a clean slate Gary Johnson can be.

So when things get down to the wire tomorrow, remember: there’s just enough time for everyone to half-heartedly throw their support behind another untenable GOP candidate. Me, Gary Johnson.*

Yours Presidentially,

Gary

*I am also willing to change my name.

Analysis:

Since the last letter we received from poor Gary Johnson, his fortunes with the Republican party declined to the point that he’s now running for president in something called the “Libertarian Party,” which was apparently founded by John Stuart Mill and Ron Paul after a night of drinking and cursing foreign aid to third world countries. Now Gov. Johnson will need to deal with the fact that not only does nobody know who he is, they now don’t even know what party he’s a part of or what they stand for. Judging by the internet, they stand for Ron Paul, drugs, and hating poor people. It will be a tough sell, as Ron Paul and the Republican Party cover at least 2 of those 3 planks in the platform.

Despite Gov. Johnson’s last-minute pleas, the Iowa Caucuses went basically as expected/provided a massive surprise (ED. NOTE: delete as necessary as results come in) as Lizard-Person Mitt Romney/Professional Lunatic Ron Paul/Rick “Please don’t Google me” Santorum romped to a massive victory/squeaked out a shocking win/was arrested in bed with a Rentboy. Analysts and Pollsters were caught by surprise by the sudden surge of Santorum, which columnists described as “completely disgusting.” Despite the setback/triumph, Congressman Paul vowed to fight on until “American returns to 1790, where it belongs.” Romney, meanwhile, savored the victory/the oven-roasted children he had prepared for such a devastating loss. Now, the candidates will move on to New Hampshire, where a somewhat different small group of white people will determine the fate of the nation.

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