Mr. Meyer to Alice and Dan Cavalier, summer 2001

For your eyes only.

Alice and Dan,

I keep thinking about the time we spent at the baseball game today. The way you ate all of the snacks I bought you, and actually tried to follow the game instead of just complaining that it was hot. I’m so glad you were able to slip away from your real parents Mr. and Mrs. Cavalier to be with me. I hate seeing you with them.

You’re so much younger and more attractive than my actual children, Jane and Bill. They’d never laugh the way you do when I blow bubbles with a straw or be excited when I come home early for dinner. Compared to you, Alice, Jane is a pathetic, illiterate runt and compared to you, Dan, Bill is some kind of retarded robot who can’t even catch an underhanded pass and never hugs me back.

As soon as I can, I plan to leave my children and take you away from it all. We’ll live somewhere far from here where nobody will judge us and we can play board games and make s’mores, and I’ll chaperone your class field trips and you’ll never once be embarrassed.

I must get back to helping Jane with her idiotic science fair project before she notices I’m gone.

Until we meet again,

Mr. Meyer

Analysis:

In this season of spending time with family, it’s important to remember that other families are almost universally better than yours. Statistics show that 50% of parent-child relationships end in still being fucking related, and many parent-child relationships disintegrate due to parents finding younger, more attractive children.

After sending this letter, Mr. Meyer continued his illicit affair with the Cavalier children, abandoning his own family to be with them, only to discover that they had never really intended to leave their parents, who gave them a way bigger allowance than Mr. Meyer ever could. Mr. Meyer ended up alone, living in a hotel room, and crying Bill and Jane’s names into the night.

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