I guess most of you probably don’t know me, but I’m Saturn. I was a pretty big deal back when you were all Romans. You actually named a planet after me. It’s called “Saturn”? It’s the one with the rings? It’s OK if you forgot.
Anyways, the reason for getting in touch is I’ve noticed you guys have been having a lot of arguments about these “Wars” on “Christmas.” Let me tell you, in my day, if we went to war you knew someone was going to get a short sword up the ol’ jacksie. Apparently your wars are more like being annoying on the internet. Mars was actually on Reddit the other day and he just could not stop laughing at this pathetic war. But no need to worry, guys, because I have the perfect solution: It’s time to bring back Saturnalia.
It’s the perfect compromise. You guys who like Jesus can worship me, since I’m a God. I know most of you don’t really “do” agriculture anymore, but most of you still eat food or food-like objects, so why not worship me once a year? And you guys who are more into Santa (or whatever Jewish Santa is called, “Woody Allen” maybe?), can enjoy all the festivities of Saturnalia. There are feasts and gift-giving. Plus, the Romans used to do this whole role-reversal thing where slaves could talk back to their masters with no repercussions, so imagine what you could tell your parents about your job or your fiancee or whatever!
Just think about it and get back to me. Don’t forget the reason for the season!
Your friendly neighborhood god of agriculture,
As the brutal “War on Christmas” entered its third year, people began to look far and wide for a path to peace. Every day, people were offended beyond their worst nightmares. Innocent grandmothers were forced to hear the dreaded words “Happy Holidays” from the devious 16 year-old temporary worker at the Gap. Non-Christians cowered in their homes, terrified to leave in case some zealous Christian wished them a “Merry Christmas” at the gas station or pizza place. Never before had so many mundane pleasant phrases been so dangerous.
This letter has actually been discovered to be a hoax. It was sent anonymously to the Classics Department of Columbia University, where it was immediately hailed as the greatest discovery in the history of Christmas. Dr. Leo Fench, who translated the letter from Latin before realizing it was actually written in English, began to doubt its authenticity after one of his students discovered it was addressed to her and had “Call Me, so we can discuss this in private, XOXO Fenchy” written on the back. Instead of diffusing the tension in the War on Christmas, the hoax merely escalated it.
Hopefully, some day, our children will live in a better and more peaceful world than this.