The CEO of Toys “R” Us to the Marketing Division, December 13, 2011

There's no way in and there's no way out. Bounce, little piggies, bounce.

Hi everyone,

I suddenly realized while I was bathing in a tub full of silly putty this morning that we still haven’t put our finger on this season’s hit toy. You’ve had 11 months to come up with this year’s Tickle Me Elmo, and, much like my attempt to make a Barbie Popple, you’ve failed.

Since it’s apparent that if I want something done around here, I have to do it myself, like when I played both parts of “Heart and Soul” on the giant piano mat, I have come up with a list of ideas for this year’s hit toy. It’s up to you to run them by the focus groups, and this time don’t forget to include some ugly kids, as their ideas can be very sharp.

My ideas are:

1) A Lego set depicting the key figures from the Arab Spring.

2) Some sort of stuffed animal that hasn’t been done before, like a cockatoo. And it can love you back.

3) My Little Pony fireman doll for the gay 4 and under set (where the real money is).

4) Post-modern toddler’s shape sorter where none of the shapes match up to any of the holes.

5) A real, working car.

Please let me know what you decide so I can begin marketing it at once. Now I’m going to get out of the bath and see if I left an image on the putty.

Best,

Gerald

Analysis:

As the economy continues to sputter along, even the traditional American gluttony of consumption that is “Christmas Season” (September 13th – January 4th) has been unable to rev the engine. Toy sellers have been hit particularly badly, as economic consultants say that to save money, most parents have decided to cut back on the number of toys they buy for their children. Sales of gigantic red ribbons for cars, of course, continue to drive the market.

Toys ‘R Us’s many successes over the years have been well-documented. What is less well documented is the subtle hypno-marketing campaign the store uses. By using a combination of bright colors, happy music, and terrifying commands only children can hear, Toys ‘R Us is able to make children want weird and pointless nonsense like Furbys. Tamagotchis, though, are still considered “sweet” by industry analysts.

It seemed strange to us that the head of a major toy manufacturer and distributor would wait until two weeks before Christmas to notice how and what his company is doing, then accidentally email a dismissive email to the entire “Kids Krazy Koupon” email newsletter mailing list. After doing some more research, we found that apparently the fumes given off by Silly Putty are mildly hallucinogenic. Bathing in it would probably cause at least mild intoxication, so we can safely assume he was high as a kite when he wrote this memo.

Still, if anyone tries to take my kid’s postmodern shape toy I will gouge their eyes out.

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