Santa to Ellen Poplawsky, December 1, 2011

Sorry you look like a jerk.

Dear Ellen,

Ho ho ho! As a rule, I don’t write back to the letters I receive. I prefer to keep an air of mystique. “Does he exist or doesn’t he?” Well, since you said you weren’t sure: I do. And I’m not your patsy.

My elves and I spend the entire year deciding who deserves a gift and exactly what it should be. Our official recommendation is that after a year of so-so behavior, you deserve a small, plastic gift. Something cheaply made and relatively useless, like a Christmas ornament in the shape of a hobby. I understand you like knitting, so the elves and I were working on an ornament that looks like a scarf.

That’s what you’ll be finding in your stocking this year. Here’s a drawing of you enjoying it.

Love,

Santa

p.s. As far as I’m concerned, you don’t exist.

Analysis:

We here at the History of the Letter can honestly say this is the meanest letter we’ve ever seen written by Santa, including a letter to an 11-year-old boy in which he suggested the boy stick to the oversized legos.

But it’s no wonder Santa would grow impatient after years and years of letters similar to the one he received from Ellen on Tuesday. The main thing we have learned from our decades-long study of humanity via the letter is that people can be such turds sometimes.

So just keep in mind that we’re on your side, Santa, when you decide whether to bring us that massaging foot bath this year.

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