Ellen Poplawsky to Santa Claus, November 29, 2011

Sorry you look sort of fat.

Dear Santa,

I feel a little bit silly writing to you because I am 26 years old. I have a lot of things to be thankful for this year—a healthy family, a great job, and a wonderful new husband. There’s nothing special I really want for Christmas, so please bring me cash.

Cash is the greatest gift of all, because with cash, the recipient gets to decide what he or she wants most. It’s also convenient for you because you don’t have to lug around a big sack full of crap I don’t really want. I drew a picture of you leaving me cash under the Christmas tree this year, and I’m including it with my letter.

I don’t even know if you exist, but if you do, please know that I want money for Christmas (in cash).



p.s. A check is not the same as cash.


The US postal service receives more letters to Santa Claus than any other person. Generally, these letters come from children and are mailed between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Eve, originally dubbed by the Postal Service as “F*&#@ing Kids Month.” This obviously had to be changed in the last decade, as America has become more cognizant of child abuse. Still, nothing drives a mailman crazier than having to lug around hundreds of letters for a fat guy on a different route.

With the economic situation being as it is, however, more and more young adults have taken to writing to Santa. With employment hard to find out of college, many have moved back home. Feeling the older generation has lied to them about so many things, they wonder if perhaps Santa was one of them. Professor Ahmed Dinkleberg of the University of La Bubele in Pasadena, describes it thusly:

Of course our parents would tell us there’s no Santa Claus. They told us how if we worked hard and got into good colleges and graduated with degrees, we’d be able to do anything. If that’s bullshit, of course they would hid the fact that they can write letters to Santa and get all sorts of  weedkillers and vacuum cleaners and food processors and whatever it is adults like.

Not surprisingly, the number one request among twentysomethings is some sort of video game, followed by condoms, liquor, cash for drugs, drugs, and DVD collections of cartoons from the late 80s and early 90s. Food is 71st, between “an answer to life’s crushing disappointments” and “collectable Anime figurines.”



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2 responses to “Ellen Poplawsky to Santa Claus, November 29, 2011

  1. Julie

    I do believe that “Santa” has already responded to “Ellen.”

  2. Charles

    Yea, is this just you asking for money?

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