Early Woman to Early Man, ca. 30,000 BCE

This pretty like you!

Dear Frug,

Thank you very much for the lovely gift of flowers you left the other day. They are indeed, as you said in your charming note, “pretty like you pretty, or pretty like boar.” To be honest, though, I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do with them. I tried eating one, but it tasted like grass and it made my stomach hurt, so I guess that wasn’t it.

I put them on a rock in my cave and left them there for a few days, but now they’re starting to turn brown and they look sick. They still don’t taste very good, and now they’re starting to smell bad too. Is that supposed to happen? I thought maybe I could use them to attract a wildebeest or something, but it didn’t work. I attracted a bee, though, so I guess that was pretty neat.

Anyways, I just wanted to say thank you for leaving a pile of dead plants in my cave. It really was a lovely surprise, and I’ll definitely consider your offer of clubbing me on the head and dragging me around by my hair. Maybe if you put the flowers on a spear or something, that would be pretty cool. Or just a spear actually, would be great. The flowers weren’t much help when mother was dragged away by a bear yesterday. But still, it was a lovely surprise.

Your friend,

Zok

Analysis:

This extraordinary account of the first attempted wooing is a treasure in the archives of the History of the Letter headquarters here in Metuchen, New Jersey. As a historical document, it recounts the first time a man tried–and failed–to earn a woman’s love, rather than just pulling her around by her hair without asking.

Zok was, of course, the sexiest Early Woman around because of her prominent forehead and wide hips. Many men before Frug had tried to seduce her, including Mog, who jumped up and down rapidly to demonstrate his strength, and Zig, who tried a gross-out approach to seduction by presenting Zok with a rotting wolf carcass. None of them succeeded, and Zig eventually decided Zok was probably a lesbian.

Nonetheless, Zok was unfailingly polite and wrote each suitor a rejection notice, per her mother’s instruction. Her mother’s politeness, unfortunately, did not count for much with the bear.

Of course, men still haven’t cracked the code of how to impress women. You would think, for example, that offering a woman a private tour of the History of the Letter headquarters in Metuchen, New Jersey, would do it, but apparently not.

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