Universal Cosmic Destroyer to Small Earth Child, February 9, 1996

This was prevented by a precocious eight year-old

HUMAN!

I am Gorgo, universal destroyer! I and my legion of followers have destroyed countless worlds much like your pathetic planet. I have slaughtered billions of families just like yours. Do not oppose me! My powers are beyond that which you can comprehend, and your attempts to prevent cataclysm shall come to naught.

It has been foretold by the 114,915th High Priest of Gorgo that you, puny child, will be the one to stop me. With nothing more than your childlike wonder and foolhardy courage, it is said that you will topple me and end my 12 million year reign. I am sure that you are aware that your species is not even evolved to the point where you can communicate with me in my natural form, and if you were to view me, your puny mind would be ripped apart like Kalgon IV, a planet of sentient lizards I threw into a black hole.

Therefore, you must know how foolish it would be to oppose me. But I am not an unreasonable Galactic Horror. If you stand down, I will bestow upon you worlds of wealth, slave goddesses, and veritable mountains of chocolate pudding. I will expect your response, Timmy. Do not keep me waiting.

Ruler of rulers, King of kings,

Gorgo

Analysis:

Okay, so we weren’t sure either if this letter was real or not. But listen, you know how there are some monkey or chimps or whatever that like use tools and can kind of do sign language? So they have this like really vague understanding of us, we’re these weirdos with zoos and televisions who keep staring at them. But they can’t fully understand us because they just haven’t evolved the ability to conceive of us.

Okay, so just imagine, that we’re the monkeys. And there’s another species, even more evolved than us, somewhere out there in the universe. How would they look and sound to us? Like, would we even be able to process them?

Did we totally just blow your mind?

Because if that’s the case, then this letter must be real. It explains why Timmy Hoyer’s diary entry from the night of February 9, 1996 says this:

“Dear Diary,

There is a new kid in our class. His name is Gorgo. He has the best toys. He passed me a note during Phonics time. He says if I come to his house, we can play all his Nintendo games and his mom will give us chocolate pudding. I like him.”

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