Friends and Pizza Lovers,
I’m writing to deny the heinous allegations that I, Improbable Republican Presidential Candidate Herman Cain, ripped off my now legendary “9-9-9” tax plan from the Maxis game “Simulation City Simulator,” or “SimCity” for short. First of all, yes, I was eating my delicious pizza and playing on the computer in my underwear when I came up with the idea. And yes, in my Mary Jane-fueled haze, I may have thought about how hilarious it would be if the US was like SimCity. But I was playing Team Fortress 2 at the time, so that should put that rumor to bed. Incidentally, I have some new ideas about US military effectiveness.
Let me also dispel the rumors that arose after I plagiarized part of a speech from the movie “Pokemon 2000” that I get all my ideas from video games. This is categorically false. I get my ideas from top advisers, books, and other serious things like that. Occasionally, I will run an idea past them that may have come from a video game-based source. It’s not like this is crazy or anything. Like in Civilization IV, we would probably be looking to start building spaceship parts to make it Alpha Centauri before Caesar and Mao and Montezuma. So if elected, I will order our highest-production city (New York maybe?) to start building the SS Stasis Chamber. This is just good policy.
Finally, I believe that we should combine the power of the US into a “Triforce” made of courage, wisdom, and power. Then we should break it up and scatter it across the land, just waiting for the Hero of Time (Ronald Reagan) to arise and unite it, leading us to a golden age.
When Herman Cain sent this email to his supporters, his advisors’ first thought was: Oh God, who gave him access to that listserve? But they would probably be relieved to know that many presidential candidates throughout time have turned to unusual sources for their policies.
After all, most of George Washington’s ideas for the fledgling nation came about from his obsession with harpsichord music, which is why the Constitution can be sung to the tune of “Yankee Doodle Dandy.” In 1860, William H. Seward lost to Abraham Lincoln after insisting that the best course for the nation could be found in an obscene image he saw in his porridge. And in 1976, Jimmy Carter believed that his pet rock was telling him what policies to follow. In point of fact, if he had listened to Herman’s actual suggestions, he would have been better off.
Anyway, America turned out just fine, right?