I see no reason your curiosity should be unsatisfied. I have a new girlfriend now. Her name’s Shari. Here are some ways in which you don’t measure up to her:
1) Her teeth: Shari’s dad is a dentist, so her teeth are flawlessly straight, pearly white, and her breath is always nice.
2) Her friends: Shari grew up in Brooklyn, so her friends are all artists–playwrights and musicians. We’re pretty plugged-in to the off-beat arts scene these days. I’ve taken up traditional West African drumming.
3) Her hair: Soft, blond.
4) Her figure: Like a curvier Barbie doll. She’s a yoga instructor on the weekends.
5) Her sense of adventure: It exists.
6) Her family: They’ve embraced me as one of their own. Her mother actually bakes for me, and has never once chased me out of the house wielding a cast-iron pan.
7) I love her more than I ever loved you.
Ways in which she doesn’t measure up to you:
1) You’re smarter than her.
Enjoy that one.
Hope we can still be friends,
Although few people remember now, the heady days of the late 90s brought one of the great economic booms of recent memory. It also brought a unique take on “dumping,” or breaking up with one’s significant other. When combined with the internet, still in its toddler phase, this new trend of listing the strengths and weaknesses swept the nation’s AOL inboxes. This email was forwarded to us from the now-defunct firstname.lastname@example.org address. As a side note, young Chris achieved minor celebrity status for creating some of the early hits of chain emails, including “WAT color R U? Im a TEAL,” “FILL OUT AND SND to all yr fronds! LOL at #11!!!!1!,” and of course “OMG Bill Clinton Commie Raperist!!!! MUST RD PLZZZZZZZZ!”
Shockingly, Chris was all of 22 years old when he created these opuses. This email was sent right before he created his biggest flop, “WHALES!” The “Wendy” referenced was not actually his girlfriend, but rather the one girl in his economics discussion group who took enough pity on him to be nice to him. After 3 years, he gathered up all his courage and asked her out to watch him play “Age of Empires.” Her response was recorded for posterity: “Oh… uh… no… (shakes head violently) no… no thank you.”
Chris managed to compile this list, along with a picture of a model from jcrew.com, and fax it to her, despite not having a new girlfriend. Amazingly, he thought this would help win Wendy back, as he thought calling her “smart” would be a novel way to compliment her. She didn’t go for it, and later posted this response on a general discussion board in the “Civilization 2” forums. Within weeks, exes all over the country were taking the time to create fake partners to brag to their much more socially and psychologically stable former lovers. It is believed that even President Clinton sent a similar email to the First Lady at the height of the Lewinsky scandal. Like the internet itself however, this fad soon died out, and people went back to making up lies about their exes behind their backs and pretending not to see them in social settings.