Classified Internal Memo, Blowhatch Hand Dryer Corp, 1964

With this, we shall rule the world!

Members of the board-

So far, our attempts to eliminate the paper towel have failed. Somehow, there are sill places in this country that insist on using the outmoded technology, no matter how much we sell them on the idea that blowing is the future. We have also received complaints about the strength of our products, specifically the model BJX-7000 (“Morning Breath”). Test users complained that most of the water remained on the hand areas even after extended time under the air. Many reported having to “wipe it off on my trousers after.” This, gentlemen, is obviously disastrous.

Drastic times call for desperate measures. Instead of targeting the users, we need to start targeting the establishment owners. Even now, we have agents (mostly the homeless and criminally insane) infiltrating the neatest public restrooms across the land. Their task is to use a minimum of thirteen (13) paper towels per hand-beautification. This should, according to estimates, overwhelm our nation’s trash receptacles by August. People will have no choice but to turn to us to save them from the mounting towelation.

To quell customer complaints, we will put a small message on each model, informing the user to rub their hand-units vigorously while under the air. Our researchers have informed us that there is something called “friction” that will help dry their hands, no matter the amount or power of the air. This should free us to build cheaper models that provide less air power. By 1970, our dreams of market control should be realized, allowing phase B to commence.

-Ted Guirkland, SVP RD WC

Analysis:

As we’ve all long suspected, the makes of the standard American hand dryer are nothing more than wannabe James Bond villains. This memo was found in the archives of the Dyson Fan Corporation, then lost under a subway bench, then found again in a fast food restaurant in Granville, LA. What it proves is nothing less than conspiracy, and as any visitor of an establishment still clinging to the old paper towels will testify, this massive campaign is still underway.

Luckily, the Japanese have arrived to save us all. In 1993, Mitsubishi invented a high-powered hand dryer that actually worked. Although just now spreading to the US and Europe, these Jissai ni Hataraite, or “actually working” dryers have completely stopped the progress of the Pan-American Hand-Dryer Association.  Though the plans of the sinister PAHDA are murky, CIA analysts, working with Interpol, have determined that the goal was to make everyone’s hands slightly damp upon leaving a washroom. This would cast doubts on the handshake, that ever-important gesture of goodwill. PAHDA reasoned that if just one or two world leaders were even slightly germophobic, they would assume the worst, leading to multiple international incidents. Dubbed “Project Faux Urine,” there’s no telling how deep the conspiracy ran.

The alternate, of course, would be to wipe one’s hands on one’s pants, which would cause even more consternation. This part of the plan was stumbled into by accident, when a low level employee at Blowhatch saw some water on someone’s pants and pointed at it, shouting “hey everybody! Peepee!” The diplomatic power of these tactics can not be underestimated. And though we now are hopefully moving towards a world free from inadequate drying, we must remain ever vigilant against those who would attack us in our safest place: the bathroom.

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