WOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! PARTY TIME!!!!!
I red in the nawspapper about the 18th amendment getting canceled or whatever and I AM PSYCHED! I have had literally nothing to drink but whiskey for 72 hours and nothing to eat except beer. This is the greatest day in American history. Some guy was trying to be like, oh Jefferston, Lincoln, Washingtown, but I was like, FDR is where its at, bub. How many of those guys made it legal to gett TANKED???
I was going to be like, man if you don’t cancel probation, probition, whatever, I won’t give you any more sweet champagne cash (see what I did there???? clever rgt??). But then you did, so here’s a check for like, 4 hundred and 12 dollars and like, a fistfull of quarters I got from a jar somewhere. Sorry about the vomit stain. Its isn’t mine.
I was talking to this other guy who was like, oh the New Deal and recovery and relief and I was like “man, get your brew on. That’is the best deal!) Seriously, IM gonna vote for you fifty times in the next election. Now if you’l succscuse me, I just got a new photographing device. I’m gonna set it up in front of a mirror and take some pictures of myself.
J. Ellingston McCarville
President, Consolidated Spectrograms
While scholars of American history point to Roosevelt’s New Deal, his shepherding of the US through World War II, or his cool wife as proof of the success of his administration, for his contemporaries, FDR meant one thing: booze. As the sweet, sweet alcohol poured, so too did approbations for the new President. In fact, analysts at the time thought that FDR had found a dominant political strategy. They theorized that in the future, the government would just do popular things, which would make it easier to get elected again. Thomas Dewey, running against Truman in 1948, accused Truman of wanting to do unpopular things, and promised to make flying cars legal and ban loud jerks from public spaces. His defeat came as a shock.
As shocking as it may be to modern observers, people seemed to like the fact that, yes, the economy was still rubbish, but at least they could drink themselves happy without having to worry about Eliot Ness showing up and mowing them down with a Tommy Gun. Some political strategists have theorized that that best way to raise one’s flagging approval ratings would be to outlaw something popular, like booze, sex, or smooth jazz, then immediately repeal the ban in a big ceremony. George W. Bush proved that the strategy is not always smooth. When he and Republicans in Congress outlawed American Prosperity in 2002, they did not anticipate that lobbying interests would make it so hard to repeal the ban. Luckily for them, the recent dominant strategy for American politicians has been to do unpopular things, then pretend it was popular afterwards.
Political scientists suspect the President or Congress who manages to legalize Marijuana would be inundated with a flood of similar letters, mostly beginning “Hey, duuuuuude” and containing Doritos in lieu of campaign cash.