Gary Johnson to Republican Voters, August 2011

Hi There! My name is Gary Johnson. I'm managing Northampton Town FC in the English League 2! I'm not running for President of the US!

Dear Voters:

You may not know me, but I’m actually running for President this year! I guess since nobody lets me into the debates, I shouldn’t be angry at you for not knowing who I am. I was Governor of New Mexico for 8 years, but I guess we’re all the way on the bottom left of the map. We’re sort of the Portugal of America, so it’s OK if you forget about us. If you’re in the Tea Party, we actually are affiliated with America, not Mexico. Please try not to let the name fool you.

So anyways, I thought I’d better get in touch and see if maybe of you would want to think about voting for me? I’m a fiscal conservative, just like you! I cut taxes 14 times as governor and never raised them once, so I thought maybe you guys would be interested in that. See, Rick Perry is a scuzzy religious fanatic, and Michele Bachmann is a lunatic, but for some reason you seem to like them, even though they like federal money. I guess Ron Paul seems like a cool guy, even with all the white supremacy stuff. But Mitt Romney is actually a lizard-person, so I don’t think he’d really want to cut taxes very much. Apparently he was governor of a state called Taxachusetts? I’m not really sure where that is either, but I wouldn’t want to live there! Oh, that’s where Cape Cod is? Well, it must be nice in the Summer.

Anyways, I just wanted you guys to know I was here. I mean, you guys seem to think Jon Huntsman is worthy of getting invited to debates, and he has as much chance to win this nomination as Nancy Pelosi does. I mean, Rick Santorum? I didn’t even know he was still alive! I was a Governor of a swing state! I’m a maverick! I’m supposed to be the perfect candidate! Is it because I want to legalize drugs and I’m against wars? Those ideas are pretty cool, right? I think Coolidge held them! I swear, I can be an exciting candidate. Just give me a chance. I have a Wikipedia page and everything!

And remember, guys: It’s “New” Mexico, not Mexico.

Yours Presidentially,



We had literally no idea who this person was when we got this letter. You see, we get hundreds of letters a day, many of which are from people claiming to be candidates for some office or another. During this Republican primary season, we’ve gotten a bunch from supposed Presidential candidates. Like this one guy called “Herman Cain,” who we think is the name of a character from the Munsters. There’s another from someone called “Thad McCotter,” who I think was a fictional congressman from D.W. Griffiths’ “Birth of a Nation.” We exercise strict scrutiny of these likely scams and dismiss them summarily.

Apparently, though, this Gary Johnson person is actually a declared Presidential candidate. Either that, or he’s managing a small, low league soccer team in England. Or maybe he was a Wisconsin politician who died in 2008. He may have played one season for the Angels. There are a bunch of Gary Johnsons on Wikipedia, so who knows. However, he is correct about Mitt Romney being a lizard person, as can be seen by his hair. Only an alien lizard trying to pass as a human would paint his helmet-hair with black grease and slick it back like that.

Also, there is apparently a “Jon Huntsman” running as well, though we’ve been unable to confirm if it’s in the American presidential election or some other country’s.


1 Comment

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One response to “Gary Johnson to Republican Voters, August 2011

  1. marianne larson

    This is the first I have heard of this guy. Legalizing drugs? How did I miss that?

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