Dear Mom (and Dad):
I am having a great time at Camp Kallahoochee! Today I ate breakfast and then they made us clean the bunk. My favorite activities so far are sleeping and we’re allowed to fart as much as want in the bunk.
My bunkmates are awesome! My new friends at camp are definitely nobody in this gay ass bunk and one counselor Judd lets me play Xbox in the staff lounge.
I can’t wait to come home and use my own Xbox. My biggest fear for this summer is they will keep making us sing the gay camp song. My biggest hope for the summer is that is goes fast so I can come home and play on my Xbox.
I miss you!
The prewritten camp letter home is an American tradition dating at least back to the Revolution. George Washington provided a similar template to the one above to his men at Valley Forge, allowing them to easily send word to their worried families that, despite freezing nearly to death and having little to no food, they were having a great time. For example:
My dearest Marjorie,
Greetings from Camp Valley Forge! I am having a great time! Today we continued to fear perishing due to the elements. My friend Col. Wilberforce died of consumption! What a card! Don’t worry about me, because tomorrow I fear will be the end of me. Morale has never been lower, and for the first time, I fear the men’s appetite for liberty has been replaced by hunger, cold, and fear of death. We’ll keep showing those Tories whatfor!
Pray either for our salvation or the freedom of death,
Unlike our new friend Alex, most American camp letters do not center on exactly how gay the activities and songs are. We were actually reticent about publishing this letter, feeling very strongly that “gay” should not be used to mean “lame.” However, upon researching Camp Kallahoochee, we discovered the camp’s official song is “Crocodile Rock” by Elton John, which most researchers concede is a pretty gay song. His “gay ass bunk” is also actually the Gayess Bunk, named for legendary counselor Mandy Gayess-Schwartz, who introduced musical theater to the camp’s activities.
When Alex’s (dad) was informed of his son’s attitude towards camp, he scoffed and said “tell that little shit that he can get a job if he hates it so much. I’m almost through my Madden season and he can have his Xbox back when I damn well feel like giving it back to him. Do you have any idea how bad that kid’s gas is?”