Egyptian Patent Office to Queen Cleopatra, ca 45 BCE

Quiet, yet powerful, my device is fit for a Queen. Discreet shipping available.

Your most gracious majesty:

It is with a heavy heart that I must regretfully inform you that your application to patent your “Bee-Powered Personal Massaging Device” has been declined. Although you are technically the ruler of our great Kingdom, this office has standards set down by the greatest pharaohs and priests, which have been followed since the days of the Pyramids (“Pyramids” (TM) Merit-Ptah Brothers Contracting, Thebes). And thus, even though you are our most holy and glorious queen, we must reject your application.

Let me begin by saying the design is exemplary. Stuffing a handful of bees into a small, cylindrical container is certainly a creative way of making a massager. However, your “Bee-Powered Personal Massaging Device” has a number of serious flaws that prevent us from issuing your patent at this time. First, your device is “Bee-Powered.” Bees, being naturally created by the Gods, cannot be patented, except by whole gods. You, being a half-goddess, are unfortunately incapable of patenting natural phenomena. Second, the massaging action is not as powerful as the current market standard, a strong young slave. Our research also shows that the great Pharaohess Hatshepsut patented a slave-powered personal massaging device. Since the personal massaging device has been patented, and bees, which drive your device, cannot be patented, we sadly must deny your application.

Personally, I cannot see the need for a device such as your BPPMD. Your application was vague as to its uses, claiming only that the BPPMD “helps relax, as well as stimulate, the user.” To me, this is a contradiction. How can something be stimulated and relaxed at the same time? I must admit I have drawn a blank. Please do not resubmit this application. I wish we could return to the prototype you so graciously and wisely included, but I gave it to my wife to try and it disappeared. I do apologize profusely. Incidentally, she was wondering where you can buy more bees.

Your most humble servant,

Thutmose Osorkon IV, Patent Officer and Grain Counter

Analysis:

Holy crap, bees in a vibrator? That shit is hilarious!

And trust us, we’re scholars of letter history–we’ve read it all. But just the thought of someone voluntarily loading a capsule with LIVE BEES and then shoving it up their hoo-ha made us laugh so hard we woke up our carrel partner. But seriously, come on. LIVE BEES!

Can you even imagine the conversation we had with the British Museum to verify this is a real letter?

Us: Um, so yeah, we’ve done carbon testing and we know the papyrus is old enough. I guess there’s just one more question. This is kind of weird, but…did the Ancient Egyptians stick bees up their vaginas?

The British Museum: (in a fucking English accent) Er…yes. We can in fact verify that they did. That they used bees for those purposes. Or at least, I should say rather that they considered it.

How fucking prim can you be about people using insects to achieve orgasm? Man, what a fucking day. Seriously this makes up for like a hundred boring-ass patent letters.

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