From: A. Weiner
Subject: Hey hey,
Feelin’ sexy tonight?
I can’t stop looking at your profile pic. You’re obviously a beautiful woman, and me? Well, let’s just say my middle name is “Huge.” That’s a reference to my shoulders, which I sent you a photo of earlier. They look really good in that particular blue button-down shirt, but don’t worry I’ll let you rip it off me.
There are so many things I want to do to you right now, baby. Like kiss your neck while you rub the backs of my knees (two photos ago–you kind of have to imagine them cause I’m wearing pants, but I think you get the idea). My knees are my most sensual spot. They’re sweating right now in anticipation of your touch.
Then I want you to run your fingers through my soft brown hair, awakening me with your hands. You can get a pretty good idea of what my hair looks like in my profile photo. Yes, that’s really me! I know I’m wearing a hat, but just imagine me taking that hat off…
And I want you to take the shoes off my feet. Just do a Google image search for “shoes” to get a sense of what my loafers look like over my throbbing toes and soles. I want you to grab my feet, one at a time, forcefully, and massage them, paying special attention to what Eastern massage specialists have identified as the erogenous zones.
I’m tweeting you a photo of my erect nipples (you can see them through my t-shirt) now. I just want to turn you on, baby.
Here at History of the Letter Towers, we are constantly sent “letters” from people to be analyzed, which only later turn out to be pictures of penises. I can count the number of non-penis letters on two hands, and even these are mostly pictures of butts, breasts, or in one memorable case, a letter from late in the reign of Mansa Musa, leader of the Mali (d. 1337 CE), which contained all three. So when we receive cockshots purported to be from a politican, we are understandably underwhelmed.
Even so, the email above contains some interesting points of analysis. Especially considering that, excepting the joke about his middle name, Congressman Anthony Weiner seems to try very hard to emphasize his less pun-able parts. Instead, he focuses on what is commonly considered to be the most attractive part of a politician: his shoulders. To be sure, Weiner has a politician’s shoulders. The way his immaculately tailored suit jacket suggestively envelops them would make any graduate of Barnard’s political science department weak in the knees. One is reminded of no less a figure than George Washington, about whom his wife wrote in her diary while they were courting, “I would ride piggyback all day on those shoulders, would that Mr. Washington were to ask.”
Obviously, the release of the photos has caused a considerable furor in the House of Representatives. The above letter cause Rep. Louise Slaughter, longtime Weiner ally, to call the congressman’s apparent foot fetish “sort of creepy, but strangely arrousing.” Republicans, of course, were less circumspect. Rep. Steve King called the photos an embarrassment to Congress as a whole, continuing:
I mean, it’s disgraceful, sending pictures like this over the intertube. The worst part is, he never even sealed the deal with any of these baby incubators. Say what you will about Republicans, but we can close. When a member of the Congressional Conservative Caucus faxes a crudely mimeographed picture of his testicles to a 16 year old boy, you can bet your ass someone is getting laid that night.
Though it’s unclear whether or not Rep. Weiner will retire to spend more time randomly tweeting pictures of his junk, he can be heartened by the fact that US history is filled with similarly tawdry tales. Sen. Louis Q.C. Warner of Mississippi drew a caricature of the shaft of his own penis and entered it into the Congressional Record in 1886, for which he received a commendation from President Grover Cleveland. In 1925, Rep. Fred Purnell of Indiana filmed a 38-minute silent movie in which he and his wife had sex with a 16 year-old prostitute, which was projected on the wall during one of his committee hearings, complete with title cards and orchestral backing. Even though he swore his camera was “hacked by indolent thugs of the lowest kind,” it shows the nature of the roaring 20s that the film was applauded by the other committee members upon it’s completion and eventually entered a limited run at D.C.-area dirty picturehouses.
Of course, the tradition of politicians accidentally showing their private side to random people dates back to what some consider the progenitor of the American government, that of the Roman Republic. In a recently unearthed, previously unseen section of Polybius’ Histories, he writes of an unnamed, but apparently infamous, senator from Antium. The senator caused a great scandal when it was revealed that he commissioned a massive marble frieze, to be hung in his home (according to his testimony), depicting himself having an orgy with 14 of his several hundred slaves. Due to a mixup by the sculptor, the frieze was instead hung in a very prominent place in a temple to the goddess Diana. When it was unveiled, the fact that only 2 of the 14 slaves were male caused a tremendous uproar, and the senator was forced to resign. Luckily for him, he parlayed his newfound notoriety into speaking arrangements and later a lobbying position with United Plowshares and Aquaducts. He became quite rich before he was stabbed to death during an argument over the proper method to bait a fishing line.