Dad told me to send you the first draft of my inaugural address so you could look over it. I don’t know why I should bother, since I’m pretty sure it’s the greatest thing since “Profiles in Courage.” Have you ever written a book that vaulted you into the national consciousness? Didn’t think so. Still, Dad said he’d make me appoint Teddy to something if I didn’t involve you, so whatever. Tell me what you think, nerd.
So I kick it off with this awesome line: “Guess what, world? The old fogeys are starting to kick the bucket, and they’re passing the ball to the same fellas who kicked your asses all over Europe and the Pacific. We’re the ones who you’re pointing those nukes at, and it literally makes me want to personally strangle every Russkie in a 5-mile radius. We are on guard, and if you sneaky foreigners try even one thing, me and Lyndon Johnson are going to personally fly over there and shove a missile right up your ass.” I think it shows that I’m not going to stand down on foreign policy. I guess it’s a little strong, but maybe you could make it sound a little nerdier.
I figure I can follow that up with a couple of sweet sounding lines about how all Republicans can kiss my Irish ass. Maybe something like, “I WOULD ask us to come together and look beyond party, united as Americans instead of divided as Democrats and Republicans. I WOULD say I’m going to be humble in victory and ask you to be gracious in defeat. But you assholes nominated the biggest asshole since Warren G. Harding, and that is not going to fly with me. So to my friends on the other side of the aisle, I say, ‘Fuck you, Nixon.’” That should put them on the defensive for the beginning of the term.
Finally, I think I’ll close with a call to arms. Something about shared sacrifice maybe? Sorenson says I should ask people what they can do to help the US rather than ask what we’re going to do for them. I think it’s a good idea. He’s how its sounds so far: “And so, my fellow Nixon-haters, ask not what your country can do for you. Rather, ask what the hell you’re doing to help your country. Get off the couch, turn off the television, and build me some nukes.” This should be left as is.
The whole draft is attached. Let me know what you would change. If you do a good job, I’ll let you spend 20 minutes alone with Marilyn at my next party.
Your cooler (and hotter) older brother,
This letter was first publicized by Daniel T. Daniels, professor of Conspiracy Theories at Ohio State University, who has believed for years in a high-level conspiracy hiding the fact that JFK was actually a huge dick. He outlines his major arguments in his seminal work: Lies, Deceit, and Douchebaggery: the Secret Life of JFK (Harper 2008).
“The evidence that JFK was actually a huge dick is more widespread than people think. Consider the facts: he had boyish charm and charisma. Can you think of anybody about whom that’s true that you actually like? I think you see my point.” (Daniels 14)
More evidence presented in Daniels’ book includes JFK’s attractive cheekbones, excellent speech delivery, and childlike obsession with putting a man on the moon. In a rare interview with Ted Kennedy after his brother’s death, Kennedy said: “He would run about the Oval Office like a monkey, screaming, ‘Going to the moon! We’re going to the moon! And then mars! Mars mars mars! Whether you like it or not, Russkies!'”
Daniels’ book flies in the face of conventional JFK research, including JFK’s own little-known memoir, I’m the Greatest, Aren’t I?