“Mrs. X,” President of the Girl Scouts of America, to “Edna,” 1951

Good god they're terrifying.

My Dearest Edna:

As you surely know, our organization is in trouble. Funding has been scarce, as those dastardly boy scouts have sucked it all up for their slingshots and kerchiefs.

We need to find an innovative way to earn money for teaching girls not just outdoor skills, but camaraderie, self-esteem, and world domination. If we are ever going to have enough money to turn the shy little girls of today into the sexy lesbian mercenary assassins of tomorrow, we need a new revenue stream. This is why I am proposing we begin: Project Tagalong.

Phase One of Project Tagalong involves production of delicious and addictive cookies. I envision a line of cookies as addictive as they are overpriced. We will ensure this by loading them with our scientists’ newest additive, “Thin Mint.” No one will be immune. After one bite, they will be ours forever.

Phase Two of Project Tagalong will begin when we deploy our elite squad of smiling little girls to sell said cookies. No one will suspect girls selling cookies of being a secret society bent on world domination. The boxes may be covered in pictures of adorable little girls having fun, but the girls selling the cookies will be cold-blooded killers of the highest order.

Finally, this project will have the secondary advantage of allowing us to test, and eventually utilize, advanced mind-control compounds. We will have a captive audience, and I can assure you they will be most willing to do our bidding. Once we have built our stockpile of advanced weaponry and trained our girls, we will be fully capable of carrying out the dastardly Project Samoa.

Yours in evil laughter,

Mrs. X

Analysis:

Despite attempts by the modern-day Girl Scouts of America leadership to destroy this letter, we have decided to publish it in full. No doubt its existence has sullied the reputation of an organization previously held in high esteem, but we think it’s important that everyone know the full story.

The obvious question is, of course, who is this “Edna” to whom the letter is addressed? The answer may be that Edna is not a person at all, but an acronym for the “Eating Destroys Nations Association,” a conglomerate composed of the Sardinian Biscotti Organization, Tres Leches/Un Corazon, and the  Babka League of Justice.

This association of dessert-based world domination organizations was started at the end of World War II by Nazi fugitives who spread their violent inclinations around the globe via sweet treats. The Girl Scouts, including their leader Mrs. X, were unfortunate victims of Nazi propaganda. They truly believed that cookies would pave the way for a more pure society, which is of course ridiculous because they just made all the Aryans fat and acne-riddled and content.

Luckily, many parents have found a way to look beyond the nasty origins of the Girl Scouts to the important role the organization can serve in the lives of young white girls today.

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