With William and Kate’s wedding only days away, I’ve finally come to accept that we’re not going to receive an invitation. Michelle and I are of course disappointed. Not only will we lose money on the D.C.-London Air Force One tickets we had already paid for, but we thought you two had really hit it off on a personal level.
But with every setback comes opportunity. So without further ado, a few reasons why you might want to reconsider your decision:
1) I’m extremely famous. I realize you may not have access to the internet or other media in your castle, but I assure you I appear on television at least once per hour.
2) My daughters are well-behaved. Sasha and Malia are used to life in the limelight and they’re not easily bored. They can happily entertain themselves with a couple of Harriet the Spy novels and a packet of twizzlers for a few hours. Or we can leave them at the hotel; it’s up to you.
3) I’m a phenomenal dancer. I’ve busted some moves in public before, but where I really shine is wedding dancing. Everyone’s been drinking. The room is getting hot. Jackets come off. Shoes start tapping. That’s when Michelle and I slide into the middle of the room. We’ll keep even your sleepiest old royal uncles awake.
4) I may be re-elected. I could serve for another four years. This will make me even more famous (see #1).
5) I have an excellent security detail. I will provide security personnel for myself and my family, but my guys could also help out your guards if they need assistance. It’s a big party; people will be drinking. You want all the security around that you can get.
6) My wife is sensible and down-to-earth. Michelle is someone you want around in a crisis. She’s extremely level-headed. If Kate’s dress were to tear unexpectedly, she’d be the one getting together safety pins and calmly calling a seamstress.
7) I always RSVP on time. In this case, that will be a challenge, but I’m happy to personally contact your caterer and let him know your numbers have increased.
8 ) I will return the invitation. In a few years, my daughters will be having their own highly anticipated nuptials. I will gladly invite you and your family to share in our joy, and I can also recommend some great activities and restaurants in D.C.
9) I can help increase the number of black people at your wedding. It’s always good to have a multiracial guest list. If you invite me, you get not one but four additional black people at your grandson’s wedding.
10) I always give a check. No souvenir of a trip I took to French Polynesia that will clutter up your kitchen counter for years before you have the nerve to throw it out. Cash, plain and simple.
11) For fuck’s sake, I’m Barack Obama. I really don’t know what is wrong with you people.
Whatever you decide, I will graciously accept your decision to invite me to William and Kate’s wedding. We’ll see you Friday. Michelle will be dressed in a surprising yet suitable fashion.
Among the most shocking diplomatic and political revelations to be found in WikiLeaks’ release of US Embassy Cables is this letter from President Barack Obama to Queen Elizabeth bemoaning the lack of an inviation to her grandson’s wedding. Analysts have reported that the Obamas have been unusually distraught over this perceived snub, with rumors that the First Lady is encouraging “bayonetting the limey bastards” as part of her efforts to fight childhood obesity. The President, as is his wont, has been reserved in public. Still, reports indicate that the unmistakable sound of smooth jazz can be heard from behind the close doors of the oval office late into the night, a sure sign of a man suffering from depression.
Republicans were quick to attack the president for “kowtowing to foreign dictators,” in the words of Rep. Joe Barton (R-TX), and “being that guy at the wedding that no one seems to know but all the bridesmaids want to bang because he’s a good dancer and he looks just like, so great in a tuxedo, you know?” by Jim DeMint (R-SC). Still, the points made by President Obama would be difficult to dispute on their merits alone. He is, in fact, the best dancer in the White House since Grover Cleveland’s second term. Although the complete history of the president’s RSVPs is unknown, his campaign did release figures suggesting he had indeed always RSVP’d on time (he did, however, change his number attending from two to four rather late for Sen. Al Franken’s nephew’s bar mitzvah, but the Bidens had been particularly annoying that week and the campaign felt they needed to be tossed a bone). And of course, he would increase the total number of black people attending the wedding, though the office of Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) disputes the number four (according to a spokesman, “the total number would increase by three, not expanding to four until 2015 and 11 by 2022, which is obviously disastrous for long-term deficit reduction”).
The Queen, for her part, was far too polite to respond to the letter with anything but a dignified refusal. However, sources close to the royal family say she was not impressed by the letter at all, specifically number 10. The President famously gave the Queen an iPod as a gift early in his term, a gift the Queen completed hated, stating, “I’m old. What the hell do I need an iPod for? I can’t even program my VCR.” Though publicly scoffing at the Queen’s use of a VCR in 2009, Obama was hurt by the gesture, as he had loaded the iPod with songs that reminded him of the Queen, including “God Save the Queen” by the Sex Pistols, “Dancing Queen” by ABBA, and “Fat-bottomed Girls” by Queen. Though it would be uncouth to admit as much, it’s likely the Queen thought the Obamas would give Prince William “something awful like a toaster oven or a painting of a cat or something.”
The acrimony between the two heads of state may seem odd at first glance, given the close relations between their two countries. However, the history of Anglo-US celebratory strife is rich and goes back to the early days of the republic. Queen Victoria famously snubbed Andrew Johnson by referring to him as “Andy Jackson” at a concert in London. Benjamin Harrison turned the tables on ol’ Vicky when he invited all the crowned heads of Europe except for her to a pool party at his aunt’s house. More recently, George V invited Calvin Coolidge to watch a Gentlemen vs. Players cricket match, to which the famously taciturn Coolidge replied “you go straight to hell, fuckface.”