December 8, 1994
My New Brother or Sister in Conspiracy:
Congratulations! Please allow me to be the first to welcome you into the ILLUMINATI, class of 2069. We received thousands of applications this year, but only a select few were chosen to join the oldest and most prestigious secret society in the world. Your academic standing, athletic achievement, and wonderful extracurricular work has shown the Grand Council that you are the sort of person we want running the world in 30-40 years!
For now you will, as we all were, be sorted in groups responsible for different aspects of world domination. You have been chosen for the FIXING WORLD SPORTING RESULTS department. Within your department, you have been assigned to our NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE team. There you will learn from some of our greatest and most prestigious members, including former President Bill Clinton, Former First Lady Barbara Bush, Actor George Clooney, Actor Fred Savage, Comedian Bill Cosby, and Former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. These people are all on our World Domination team now, but you can bet they started right where you are today.
It’s a very exciting year to be joining the Illuminati! We are extremely excited for the upcoming construction of our Denver International Airport campus, which will be used mostly for dorms, lab space, and planting random clues to alert suspicious internet nerds to our nefarious schemes. Also, there will be picnics! Once the campus is opened, there will be a big ceremony, and of course you’ll be invited. After all, you’ve never partied until you’ve partied in a futuristic underground weather control station! Plus, don’t miss out on our big Homecoming game against the International Zionist Conspiracy (IZC Tech), played this year for the 431st time. We also have “The World Domination Revue,” co-hosted as always with our great friends the Freemasons.
It’s going to be a great term. You’ll want to make sure to mark April 20 on your calendar, as that is when you will be assigned your first classes. First-years generally start on our “Core Curriculum,” which includes History As We Made It, The Actual Laws of Physics A – Time Travel and Teleportation, Government 101 – Basics of Shadow Government, and Writing for a Secret Society. Until then, prepare for your enrollment by leaving suspicious clues around the houses of friends and neighbors, building something with alien technology, or fixing an election at your school or church.
We are looking forward to having you, and welcome again to the Illuminati!
Yours most sincerely,
Dean of Admissions, Illuminati Western
Click for analysis:
The history of letters would not be complete without a chapter on the history of falsified letters. We all recall the romantic exchange between Jane Austen and a “suitor” that turned out to be one of her more obnoxious country cousins. Perhaps you, dear reader, like all of us, have received an anonymous promise of $1 million if you stuck your naked buttocks out a bus window, only to fail to collect once you did so. As long as human beings have been writing letters, they have been using letters to fool people.
Initially, Dr. Kantrowitz was startled to find the above letter among his late uncle’s effects. His first response was to disregard it as a false document, because it seemed unlikely that a successful conspiratorial body would have left such an incriminating letter lying around. But immediately he considered the possibility that that was what they would want him to think, and began a 9-year, semi-secret Internet campaign for the truth at (the now defunct) TheTruthAboutEverything.com. His campaign centered mainly on the activities and whereabouts of Comedian Bill Cosby, whom Dr. Kantrowitz had long suspected was involved in international cricket match fixing.
The more Dr. Kantrowitz looked for answers, the more clear it became to him that everything he had ever known–from the existence of docents to the reason he could never find a pen to the true taste of banana–was a lie. In 2003, he followed a series of clues to a dusty back alley in Kabul. A woman wearing a burqa approached him and, in a voice that sounded suspiciously like Margaret Thatcher, she told him the Boston Red Sox would win the World Series the following year. Certain that this could never happen, Dr. Kantrowitz returned to his home, disposed of his television and computer, and has since thought no further of conspiracies.
The identity of the mysterious Dr. KX-12217 has been the center of speculation for some time amongst conspiracy theorists. For a few years, it was believed to be former child star Neil Patrick Harris. With his star turn on the hit CBS sitcom “How I Met Your Mother,” however, speculation turned to beloved actor Tom Hanks, based on symbols from the show (in episode 2-12, a mysterious logo appears on a coffee mug for 2 seconds). Today, two major theories hold either Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair or housewife Doreen McNamara of Everest, Illinois as the Dean.
Perhaps we’ll never know if the Illuminati truly exist. What we do know for certain is that this letter is real, because if you think about it, it just kinda makes sense.