My Fellow Junior High Schoolers-
I am in receipt of your recommendation that I cede my power as student council president to my vice president. This I plan to do, and have always planned to do. I will begin ceding power in June, when I graduate to High School. I feel this will make all parties happy. You will receive an orderly transition, I will receive a full term. It’s win-win, guys.
I would also like to object most strenuously to the characterization of my student council presidency as a “failure” or “the most graft-ridden administration this Junior High School has ever seen.” If it is not the privilege of the student council president to use the girl’s soccer money on exotic and delicious jellybeans, no one would dare run for the post. As to the accusations that I have used the swim team as my personal army – beating up kids and taking their lunch money, threatening teachers who would give me bad grades, organizing car washes, etc. – I would like to strenuously object to these as well. They have done nothing at my direction which would not benefit the school as a whole. All lunch money has been used for lunch. It is splitting hairs to quibble over who actually ate these lunches. Because of this, I will not be not stepping down before the end or beginning of the term, and I will not be not not transferring all or some or none of my powers to not my vice president, or not, before June.
Finally, I would like to tell the students of James A. Tut Junior High School that I have heard their complaints. I just have not listened to them. And if you will be swayed by silver tongues speaking spurious nonsense, please let it be my silver tongue. And so, it is with a heavy heart that I begin transferring all, or none, or some of my responsibilities to the vice president, or treasurer, or president, beginning immediately, or two months from now, or June, or never. Whichever comes last.
Yours most, or least, sincerely,
Hosni “H-Bomb” Mubarak
Eighth Grade Student Council President
Historians of Egyptian history were intrigued by this prescient letter written by former Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak on the occasion of his departure from the position of James A. Tut Junior School (mascot: the Phightin’ Pharaohs) Student Council president. Mubarak’s use of the occasional vascillatory case, rarely seen in modern Egyptian Arabic, is of special interest here. Very few examples of this tense are extant, although one can be found in the Qur’an, sura 22, verse 1:
“Yusuf declared that he maybe would really like, if he was wearing, but it’s hard to say because there’s so many buttons, the coat of many colors.” (22:1)
Scholars of Egyptian history will recognize that the date on this letter came mere days before Mubarak ceded his position for good, as he could no longer resist the hordes of junior high school students gathering in the cafeteria to get high and occasional hold up strongly worded posters.
Finally, swimmers who were not otherwise aware of the dangers of radicalization by a tyrannical leader may also find this letter a useful warning.