January 11, 2011
Dear Mr. Kantrowitz,
Attached are the letters we found in your Great-Uncle Henry’s bank vault after his untimely death last week. Once again, our sincere apologies for installing that fire pit out front in the first place. It was not in keeping with the tradition of one of the finest Swiss banks, though it did briefly provide an extremely high level of security for our clients.
We are happy to provide any assistance we can offer in terms of translating, especially any letters written in Swiss, and I also want to take this opportunity to tell you that the fire pit was not my idea.
You will also be receiving a lifetime supply of Swiss Miss instant hot chocolate packets, as requested. It truly is the least we can do.
Your Great-Uncle Henry was a respected customer and a dear friend, and on more than one occasion, a gracious and forgiving lover. If I was the emotional type, I would throw myself into what remains of that fire pit now.
Vice President of Customer Relations
P.S. But I’m not.