King Richard I to Saladin, 1191 AD

He'd swing his sword at pretty much anyone.

 

Dear Sal,

How’s the old scimitar hanging? That was a pretty sweet battle we had at Arsuf, huh? Man, you Arabs come up with some crazy names for places and junk. Sorry we had to kick your butts so bad, but sometimes my guys just get carried away with all this crusading. Plus, the weather here is so great! Back in England, it rains all the time. You guys have all this neat sand!

So, here’s the deal. I think you’re a pretty cool guy. You fight with honor and you aren’t afraid of our superior God or anything. It’s been a joy sending my men to be slaughtered by your well-laid traps. I’m sure you feel the same thing about your men. Honestly, I felt bad taking Acre from you guys. I mean, we won’t even be able to hold Jerusalem if we ever take it, so we’re basically wasting everyone’s time. But hey, what else can a King do, right?

Anyways, what I really wanted to ask you is this. We’re both pretty great guys, so what I was wondering is whether maybe you’d like to grab a coffee some time? You look like a man who can handle a sword, and I respect that. No pressure or anything. Just two kings grabbing a coffee and maybe some lunch during a break in our never-ending holy conflict or whatever. Then maybe I can show you my Templar fortress or whatever. Like I said, really casual stuff. No pressure at all. But I do think we should maybe get to know each other in a more social setting.

Oh yeah, sorry about all the indiscriminate slaughter of women and children and the hostages and everything. Like I said, my guys can be pretty into the whole “God and His only son Jesus really want us to hold on to this patch of desert” thing. Hey, at least we’re getting all the hostility out of the way! I’m sure in a couple generations no one will even remember all this and Christians and Muslims will be fast friends forever. But more importantly, think about that coffee thing.

Your (hopeful) friend,

King Richard the First (Dickie)

 

Analysis:

Scholars have sort of known for a while now that Richard I was probably gay. But nobody wanted to say anything because they felt like he should be allowed to come to the realization on his own and make the information public when he wanted to.

What they didn’t realize was that his taste in men ran towards more of a cinnamon mocha than a white chocolate bon-bon. Indeed, this and other documents have suggested that the Crusades were actually one long, sodomy-filled bender–a wild, orgiastic expression of homosexual desire set against the dramatic backdrop of Biblical holy sites.

This explanation was a huge relief to scholars who otherwise were puzzled by the Crusades, which seemed kind of random and stupid and ultimately embarrassing.

Scholars disagree over whether Richard I was really interested in getting to know Saladin over coffee or just looking for one fun night. Those who argue the former insist that organizing a whole crusade just for a one-night stand seems like an awful lot of effort, even if Saladin did carry an exceptionally large scimitar. More likely, Richard I truly was interested in something more serious, but Saladin couldn’t see himself being with someone who couldn’t even conquer Jerusalem.

2 Comments

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2 responses to “King Richard I to Saladin, 1191 AD

  1. Haha, I really loved:

    “This explanation was a huge relief to scholars who otherwise were puzzled by the Crusades, which seemed kind of random and stupid and ultimately embarrassing.”

  2. Rebecca

    Why doesn’t Richard mention Robin Hood at all? He meets this new exotic guy, and completely forgets about his supposed BFF? Rude.

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